Awareness, Or How the Present Is Way Cooler than the Crap in My Head

The start of my enlightenment at our retreat two weeks ago was around the concept of Awareness. Ever since I was a kid, I have been preoccupied with the tapes running in my head that covered my past, or in frivolous projections of possible futures. As a result, there have been so many times that I have been unavailable, either partially or totally, to those around me.

There are two big ramifications of this: 1) I missed a lot of life! I was simply too busy wrapped up with some crap that I had hauled into my head to enjoy/understand/feel what is happening right now. 2) I did a total disservice to those around me. I should have been fully engaged – fully in the moment and culling out that specific experience. Instead, I was only 90% there. Or 50%. Or 30%. How rude.

Too much of my life had been going on cruise control. What I did, what I felt, how I acted, what I ate, how I spoke, all of it was just so rote. I was not in tune with my environment – both internal and external. As a result, there have been ramifications. My relationships aren’t as close as they should be. My heath isn’t as good as it could be. And I’ve become withered by the nearly constant internal dialog that is perpetually dredged up about every negative thing that I did (or did not do) to myself or others. My God, it is a depressing and shallow way to live.

Hence I’ve begun a new path to be ever conscious of my immediate environment, my body, and my emotions (and their source). I’m more actively engaged and actually take physical stances to be more successful at remaining fully engaged and aware. While I’m not totally successful, I know that I am making significant progress from where I was before, and my interpersonal relationships are better than they were. I’m also not constantly kicking my own ass for stupid stuff I did in grade school. Oh yeah, it was that bad.

I have a long way to go, and much more to practice, but these last two weeks feel like I’ve lived my life far more fully, it seems, than I ever have. Let’s hope the progress continues.