Twins Offense is Offensive

Yesterday marked the season opener for my favorite baseball team.  The opener is a great time - a time when the faults and foibles of spring training can be forgotten, a time when last season means nothing, and a time when the slate is wiped clean.  It's a time of optimism.  Of hope.

Until you look at what the Twins put out as their starting lineup:

Dozier, 2B - Had good pop two years ago, but not a prototype lead off.  Would be batting 7+ in most other lineups.
Suzuki, C - If your catcher is batting second and his name is not Joe Mauer, you suck
Mauer, 1B - Ah, the long awaited move to first so that Joe could finally have fresh legs.  I'm not worried about his legs; it is his back that should be of concern.  He's gong to have to carry this team all season
Willingham, LF - No glove, no range makes for a huge liability in left field.  Dwindling power and a hole in his swing you could drive a Mack truck through and you have a recipe for disaster
Colabello, DH - The beauty of the DH is that you can have anyone - bench, pitchers, batboy - anyone hit.  You just take your best hitter that is not in the field and write him in your lineup.  This is Gardy's best hitter that is not in the field already.  Good luck, Gardy
Plouffe, 3B - Good two years ago.  Lousy last year.  But he makes for a great baseball verb for making an error, "Boy, he really Plouffed that one!"
Arcia, RF - Young.  Shows some pop.  Strikes out a ton.  Will disappoint more than he produces
Hicks, CF - Last year's failed experiment.  The only way this team goes anywhere is if Hicks produces at a high enough level to be the legit lead-off hitter.  Odds on that are long.
Florimon, SS - Handy in the field.  Ugly at the plate.

There you have it, folks, the 2014 Minnesota Twins opening day roster.

When do the Vikings start?